Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

This book dwells too much on negativity. It also seems to blame adoption for everything that can go wrong in an adoptee's life. I have adopted and maternal children, all of which go thru the same teenage issues of any other teenager. The adopted children do not dwell on any adoptive "loss" so to speak. We have focused on all of the positive things in life from the beginning, and they are all happy, healthy, and well adjusted. The book tries to "open a can of worms" that just may not be there.

We are almost certified as a foster family in AZ. We went through PS-MAPP training and I would say this book was that valuable. If you weren't adopted, it's hard to put yourself in their shoes. This book gives you some perspectives that would help.

There isn't enough scientific evidence in the universe to substantiate the claim that babies in the womb feel their mother's emotions and gain their identity from it, like this author claims. Nor can I see evidence that newborn babies grieve for their mother. I CANNOT swallow this premise the entire book relies on. As a mother of adopted and non-adopted children, I can tell you that my newborn bio children didn't know me any more than my newborn adopted child did. It seems so convenient that adoption gives this author the source of her problems. If she weren't adopted, I wonder what she would attribute her problems to, because she would no doubt have them no matter who raised her.

I'm so upset that this garbage is a required read from our adoption agency. There are so many more helpful books.

Sherrie Eldridge, who was adopted as an infant, shares her insights about the deep-felt loss and guilt that can be part of the adoption experience. This was not always an easy book to read, especially in my role as a soon-to-be adoptive dad, but there were some powerful lessons here, as well as a wealth of ideas about parenting.

At the core of this book is the idea of grief and mourning. Whether conscious or not, adopted children have suffered a loss, and they Eldridge believes that it is necessary for this loss to be grieved in order for true emotional integration to take place.

Eldridge draws from a variety of sources, including books and studies on adoption, as well as interviews with many adopted persons, adoptive parents, and (to a lesser extent) birth parents. She includes insights from counselors and therapists who have helped their patients work through adoption-related issues.

The research is extensive, but mostly anecdotal in nature. The author's ideas make sense, but are not always backed up, and it's easy to fall into the trap of simply attributing every behavior or feeling to adoption-related issues. That being said, the parenting advice in this book is quite good, and it definitely raises questions that might not be immediately obvious for those interested in becoming adoptive parents.

The "twenty things" probably could have been cut down to about eight or so, since many of them are restatements of the same basic ideas. Still, there are plenty of ideas and concepts in this book that are definitely worth reflecting on.

As my husband and I consider adoption we are reading as much as we can to insure that our future child is raised with all of the tools necessary to be a healthy, happy human. While this book provides good insights into what adopted children may go through, I felt that the book was really designed for people who have not given much thought to the adoption process and it's effect on a family. While I don't want to go into parenting with rose colored glasses, I often felt that the book was negative toward the process. It seemed that the author thought that her experience as an adoptee was universal. I know many happy, well adjusted adoptees. I am still looking for the book that deals with the issues adopted kids (and their parents) will face, but that isn't condescending in tone. We have not adopted yet, so I do not know how I will feel about this type of book once I am actually mothering an adopted child, but for now this book was not exactly what I was looking for.