Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children

To our parents we are their "children", not the adults we have become. When they become child like & demanding/difficult we don't want to parent them but that is the role we are put in to anyway. Always see yourself as an adult, don't revert to the child & fall into their PIT of shame & blame. The main thing is this book will teach you that your difficult parent is not going to change & most likely get more difficult so prepare yourself & make sure you don't lose yourself in the process.

We're grateful for, "COPING WITH YOUR DIFFICULT OLDER PARENT", by Grace Lebow & Barbara Kane because in it, we found our caregiving situation articulated, explained AND were given ideas for how to best handle it.

Anyone with a less-than-apple-pie parent (which the book's quiz helps readers identify) is likely to find guidance here, too. Why? Because the authors aim themselves at helping us "grownchildren" understand the roots of our parents' behaviours so we can care for them from a position of understanding.

That's a perspective that's less stomach-churning for us.

This book has some unique offerings: 1. Actual words - that's right, real sentences - and the best tone of voice to use when talking with intractable parents - and...

2. A chapter on how to care for ourselves starting now so WE have a better old age.

Really, don't we ALL say, "I sure don't want to become like my Mom or Dad," or, "I sure don't want to do to others what my folks did to me."?

Lebow and Kane are the first we've found to give us some guidance on that. Hint: Adapt to life as it changes. Thanks!

The advice is excellent, the situations are described from the point of view of the child, rather than being all about the parent. There are tons of resources for what to do for them, but very little out there on how to help yourself when forced to deal with a problematic elderly parent. Worth reading for the comfort level alone, knowing others are in the same boat as you, but it also truly provides suggestions which will HELP you lower your stress levels and remove the feelings of guilt that many older parents try to put on their offspring. Kudos to the author!

UPDATE 9/08: I lent my copy to a friend whose sister had just died and whose mother was literally described in this book. It helped her tremendously, going from daily arguments on the phone to knowing how to nicely end conversations in which the mother was being abusive, and learning how to protect herself -- and keep her blood pressure down!! She bought herself a copy before returning mine. WONDERFUL book.

The information in this book is invaluable for anyone who has a difficult older parent. It takes you through a number of scenarios and then shows you how to better deal with those situations. Just reading this book and incorporating some of the suggestions has taken a huge weight off of my shoulders.

I originally purchased one copy of this book for myself. Barely thorough the third chapter, I couldn't wait to share this with others. So I purchased a number of extra copies and gave them out to my siblings and other friends who also have difficult parents. I should probably buy a few extras to have on hand as I encounter others with similar problems. I sure wouldn't want to hand over my copy, since I never know when I'll need to refer to it again. The book is THAT GOOD!

The book really didn't offer much that I hadn't read many times over on relating to difficult people.

While it emphasised the point that you shouldn't feel guilty about not giving of the time or activities requested it didn't do much more than say you shouldn't.

Shouldn't wouldn't couldn't aren't really solutions.

It left me with the impression that the requests of these people were alway the result of manipulation or control when I observe that it is the regression to childhood and the fear that mommy (the trusted person) is going to leave them.