Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children

Five years ago, I was struggling with the gut-wrenching dilemma of how to care for my widowed mother, who lived 5 hours from me and vacillated between smothering love and unmitigated rage. Her physical, financial and emotional deterioration and over dependence on me to be her savior were crippling.
Our relationship had always been rocky, but, as long as she was able to live independently, I was able to do the same. When she lost her ability to drive and was living alone in a rural area, I plunged into a seemingly bottomless pit-- seeking care-givers, services for her and trying to meet her day-to-day needs from a distance.
I searched frantically for any article or book which would help me face and deal with the worst dilemma of my life.
How could I care for my aging, ill, emotionally demanding mother and still save myself?
Grace Lebow's book was the only book I could find which spoke to the distress of children dealing with their often unbearable parents--especially as the parents lives were deteriorating.
To know that I was not evil or selfish in needing to protect myself as I attempted to provide for my challenging parent, was the most welcome relief I could have asked for.
My mother has since died and I will forever be grateful to Grace Lebow and her book for allowing me to sleep well and live with good conscience in knowing that I did the best I could for my mom and did not destroy myself in the process.

This book fills a gap in eldercare literature in a very unique manner. The subject is a touchy one: parents who have suffered with lifelong personality disorders whose problems have been exacerbated by aging. Often they have driven the very children on whom they depend away from them and now need their care. A person in the unenviable position of being a caregiver for such a parent is often uncomfortable even sharing what they are enduring with other people, for fear of looking as though they hate or are slandering their parent("How could their mother possibly be that bad?"). Navigating ordinary eldercare issues is challenging enough without deeply rooted personality disorders complicating matters and emotions.

My own mother suffers from what I now know to be narcissistic personality disorder. She was so fearful from physical and psychological abuse doled out by her own mother, that she clung to both her brother,and myself, her only surviving relatives. Her marriage broke up, and she ended up living with and being supported by her brother. She was fearful that I would marry, or get friends, and any friendship I formed was viewed as a personal affront, and she would let me know that it was her or them--- choose one. If that didn't work she would do something calculatedly embarrassing enough that the friendship was ruined.She worked for only ten years of her life, and never planned for retirement, stating "My girl will always take care of me!" I did take care of her, because I was afraid something bad would happen, her brother had passed away, and she would be totally alone. Finally at age 89, her legs gave out and she had become totally demented---on top of the personality disorder. The hospital staff admitted her to a nursing home. I was still concerned for her, but almost guilty that finally, at age 54, I was relieved to be free to live my own life.

This book just helped me survive Christmas. I am sitting here without a knot in my stomach because I read it from cover to cover right after I received it. I wanted her holidays to feel as much like home as possible, and as I had done for Thanksgiving, I prepared meals for both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. When I walked in yesterday afternoon, carrying a huge styrofoam container of food to be microwaved and a decorated live Christmas tree, I heard her ripping me apart to the other residents to "never visiting" and stating that I was a "no good bum!" I would have been angry, hurt, devastated before reading this, but handled it very calmly. As I had promised the staff I came back for Christmas. Today I was a wonderful daughter....She also had no recollection of the fact that I'd even visited yesterday.

For anyone going through a similar experience, the book had covered all the the things that I mentioned above, and more, and I highly recommend it. I'm just surprised my mother's picture isn't on the cover...

As our parents age relationships be put to a test by illness, behavior changes and our fear of loss. There is never a time in our lives when we so badly need insight into the aging process and the challenges it brings. This book is so helpful!

No one wants to be labled "difficult"...not the elder and not the caregiver. At times, they both can be. As a fellow author dealing with senior issues and caregiver conflict, I admire the balanced approach that Lebow and Kane take in this practical book. The emphasis on the ability to change MY behavior, not others'and the practical steps one can take to change are effectively handled. I highly recommend this book.

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