Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children

After reading this wonderful book, I now find I can pick it up, open it to any page, and find something to make me calm down immediately. I appreciate how the authors are always respectful of the older parent's life and situation. It helps me keep things in perspective as well as deal with more mundane and immediate struggles. The bottom line is on page 118: "... no matter how miserable your parent's controlling and manipulative ways may make you feel, your parent feels worse than you do." I also appreciate chapter 9, "How to keep from being difficult yourself." I have recommended this book to many friends. It is valuable in understanding and dealing with all interpersonal relationships.

Using real-life examples, the authors address compassionately many of the real-time problems caregivers face. You might find your parent and help for your problem in their stories.

While I am not in favor of the pop-psych labeling-people-approach that leads people to think of themselves as diagnosticians, I do find valuable insights in this book. Ignore the labels, use their advice.

Phyllis Staff, Ph.D.
author, "How to Find Great Senior Housing"
and
"128 Ways to Prevent Alzheimer's and Other Dementias"

My mother-in-law has been a constant source of torment for my husband since I've known him. Not being able to see beyond the pain we felt from her hurtful words, angry words and defensive reactions were par for the course on a weekly basis.

In reading just the first 4 chapters, we already have been able to see the pattern of negativity we have contributed to over the years, rationalize the reasons behind her anger (mostly self-image) and have learned some tactics and language that we have used successfully to diffuse difficult conversations and her angry e-mails! This is a must read for anyone with a difficult parent, to help you see the forest beyond the trees and at least be able to communicate peaceably and enjoy the time you have left.

I have read several books and articles on the subject of children providing care for their ailing parents. This book is the first I have read that addresses the challenges of the interpersonal relationship between a grown child and an emotionally-draining parent. All the other books have dealt with the physical ailments of aging, or the individual challenge of being a caregiver.

The authors address several different types of interaction between a grown child and parent that are common today. Any reader frustrated with a difficult parent will find some area of this volume to which he can relate. The authors are quick to emphasize that since parents can't be made to change, the only hope for improving the relational situation is in changing as grown children.

Role-playing is frequently used to illustrate "before" behavior, then to illustrate "after" behavior as a result of using the specific principle suggested. The authors also encourage developing a mental strategy that plans ahead for confrontational situations. By identifying certain phrases and comments that trigger stress, the grown child can redirect the conversation and move it in a healthier direction for both parties.

This book does not address responding to serious diseases with parents, the decision of a nursing home, or major financial frustrations. It does deal with the constant irritation that can and often does develop between an aging parent and a grown child. I recommend it highly to all persons who are dealing with the stress resulting from interacting with a difficult, older parent.

Being an only child has left me completely overwhelmed since my father's recent death. This Guide HAD to have been written with my mother in mind! It provides simple, clear concise scenarios that everyone can relate to and better yet, it gives solutions. This book is an absolute MUST read for anyone dealing with a difficult parent in their later years. You will not be sorry to have picked this one up.