How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

If you bought the book because you need to have your children understand you, you wouldnt have time to find your answers. This book wouldve been a lot easier to read if the authors didnt write their workday. All I needed was advice but this was more work than trying to talk to a toddler and who has time for all the reading if you have a toddler????

Hi there, I was a teenage mom at 17 years old. It was a very scary thing and very new. I read this book and applied the methods to my son who is now 15 and a half and my two daughters who are 13 and 11. My son is an honour roll student and I have such open communication with my kids. It's so open they can and do tell me and us everything. This book was a total asset to my parenting tecniques and I recomend it to all parents of any age :)

This book is great. I purchased it for a "Childrens' Behavior" class, and have re-read it many times. When I began babysitting again, I re-read the book. When I began teaching, I re-read the book. Now that my friends are having children, I'd like to read it again. I love its easy reading style, and feel-good approach. It really works, which is why I love it so much.

This book teaches the one skill and the one attitude that every parent must have in order to do their best parenting: the skill of listening to understand and the attitude of compassion. Although the book is not new, this skill and attitude will never go out of style, never become old-fashioned. In fact, it is the basis of new works and theories such as that of John Gottman's "emotional coaching." The basic idea is that when parents take the time to try to see things from their child's point of view, the child feels valued and validated. This causes the child to "put down his weapons" and become more cooperative, more ready to work with the parent. Discipline becomes less necessary and the parent-child bond grows ever stronger. Children become emotionally healthier and homes become peaceful havens. This is one of the first books I taught to parents decades ago and I still refer my students and clients to it. In my own parenting book, I draw on the basic skill and attitude found in How to Talk to Your Kids, although I do also offer some "quiet discipline" methods for the few occasions on which they may be needed. And by the way, the techniques offered in this book will work well in marriage and other relationships as well!
Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed.,C.Psych.Assoc.
Author, Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice

I should preface this to say - it is not for kids with auditory processing problems or verbal problems either. Maybe not for special ed kids or kids with low IQs. Not for parents of kids that consistently misbehave and are impulsive. Well... okay - these techniques probably only work on really bright kids with only some occasional problems.

I initially thought that most of the techniques were pretty much what we do - sans ask him to troubleshoot his own behavior. However, I did not agree with alot of what was said about praise (e.g. "you must be so proud of yourself" not "I am so proud of you" - basically this one made my kid think I wasn't proud of him - "Wow - that must have taken alot of hard work. I'm so proud of you! I bet you feel pretty good about yourself too" works so much better for us). Anyway, that complaint is probably minor in the grand scheme of things.

So, we have a 9 year old boy who lies constantly - and I mean constantly. We have a behavior contract - with levels to get opportunities like watching t.v., playing a video game... We have done this since he was 4. In the last year, the lying and deceit (hiding things, sneaking things to school) have suddenly appeared. We bought this book hoping that we might be able to speak to him without yelling/being negative/nagging/belittling et cetera and get through to him. Basically, he cannot take part in any of the suggestions that the author gives for remedying specific misbehaviors. Okay - so Johnny let Dad's tool rust - logical consequence - clean the tool. So what about when Johnny lies about it - hides the tool - and the destroys the garage in an attempt to cover it up. The author's suggestion - lock it up. Basically, our whole house would be under lock and key - and this is like a bandaid on a hemorrhage. It does not address the underlying problem - and the author's suggestion is no punitive punishment only logical consequences. It just won't cut it for the impulsive Bart Simpsons of the world. We have tried it for 3 months - and if anything he got worse. But, it is possible our son does not have the ability to gain anything from these techniques because he does not have the abstract thinking skills that they require. They really do seem to need a smart kid with excellent verbal skills.

Techniques did cause SERIOUS problems at school. Son decided that the world must revolve around his needs shortly after using these techniques. Would say things like, "No, I would rather read a book than do math" - might work for Montessori but not public school. I am not sure how to get the proper balance - I think using clear "I" statements and affirming my needs, teacher's needs, sister's needs et cetera helped him develop a sense of empathy, which these techniques sorely lack. I could have been doing it wrong - or it is just a personality/developmental thing. I think you will have to judge for yourself.

Now - for my highly, highly verbal 3 year old daughter - they seem to have some promise. But, unfortunately, they frustrate her. I get things like "I don't want to talk about it", "you're irritating me", screams of exasperation, but I suspect they might be effective when she is older.

Overall - the book should be renamed - "How to talk to your spouse so spouses will listen & listen so spouses will talk" - the techniques in this book are highly useful for myself and the husband - hence 2 stars and not 1 b/c it did have some small benefit just not for the target audience.