Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

As the father of 3 open adoption teens and a 4th adoption about to be finalized, I find this book could possibly be discouraging to new adoptive families. Perhaps some of the issues the author deals with apply more to younger children, but none of my sons after reading through this book with me have much good to say about it. The part about birthdays in particular do not seem to ring true with the older children and it appears that the author still has serious issues of her own at the adult stage.

I remember the first time I encountered this book. I was a preadoptive parent and it was on the scant reading list my agency provided to look at before adoption. It scared the heck out of me. How could this happen? How could someone be so hurt and filled with anger at the events that had shaped their lives? I wanted to listen to the adoptees that said: this is not true, it's just anger and it didn't happen to me, there must be something wrong with her to have had this happen. I wanted to be a parent and hope for the happy rosy picture that says adoption is win win....a child gets a loving family and a family gets a child to love.

What I have discovered through the years of parenting is that adoption can be win-win, it can also be lose-lose and lose-win and win-lose. And I have read this book with a new understanding this time. There are as many outcomes as there are parent/child combinations. What I didn't understand about Sherrie Eldridge's book the first time around was that each adoptee, birth/natural parent, and adoptive parent come to the table with different experiences and different ways to cope. While for some, it's an easy journey, for others it is not. That doesn't mean that one is more right than another, or someone was parented better. It's just what it is. And more importantly, it's what we do with it.

What I have found helpful is to read about the journeys that people have had that are different from my own. It gives me a window on a perspective that is not mine, but may very well be my children's. It gives me a way to take a few steps in the shoes of someone else who has trod a different path than mine has taken me. It's not right or wrong, it is the experience of the writer. What I can do with this information is to read and learn and see if it resonates for my situation. And I have to say that having this perspective has helped me to parent the children who have come to me. For one of my children, loss is a part of who she is. I didn't put it in there, it is because of who she is and the experiences she has had in her life. For her, the loss has been life changing. It impacts the way I parent her. And understanding her losses has given me an opportunity to reach out to her and give her the tools to help her navigate through life. (A book that has also helped is Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections...filled with BTDT info from parents and experts in adoption--it is a great book!)

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew is another tool in my adoptive parenting toolkit. And the perspective it offers is timeless and valuable.

"Twenty things" is one of those books that every adoptive parent needs to own and have read over and over again. Prescribed to us by our adoption agency, it is an informative and educational text that avoids the overly academic. It is a practical guide that provides real, down-to-earth advice and strategies relevant to understanding your (adoptive) child/ren. I thoroughly recommend this book, especially to those who are considering or are currently in the process of adoption. For those who have already adopted - this is a complete tool in better understanding how your child/ren is/are feeling and wanting from you.

As a mother of four adopted children, I found this book to be very disturbing. It came across as one woman's way of venting her anger and frustration of being adopted. She felt she was deceived and had never forgiven her parents, both adoptive and natural. (She says she was never really told she was adopted, she just found out)

I know many adults that were adopted as children and not one of them has ever expressed any feelings of having a "primal wound".

Like I said above, the author seemed very angry. She has her opinion that her "adopted status" was the cause of all her probems. I tend to disagree, look inside woman! Not all problems are someone else's fault!

I am a 38 year old adoptee and adoptive parent. I was adopted as an infant, as was my own adopted daughter. As others have pointed out, this book is clearly both overly negative and overly dramatic. I would like to add that following the advice of the author could even be very harmful to your adopted child. In particular, I was taken aback by the author's suggestion that you should essentially tell your child that he or she must have unresolved grief issues and help him or her uncover them. That is just plain wrong. Please understand that it is entirely likely that your child, especially if he or she was adpoted as an infant, will never have any significant feelings of loss or grief. DO NOT CREATE THOSE FEELINGS OUT OF SOME MISGUIDED EFFORT TO HELP YOUR CHILD "UNCOVER" SUPPOSEDLY SUPPRESSED FEELINGS. In my own experience, I have always known that I was adopted and that I have been loved by my parents. I simply have no negative feelings regarding my own adoption. None. However, if my parents had read this book when I was a child and decided that they needed to tell me that I must have those feelings and we had to find them and focus on them, I undoubtedly would have needed years and years of therapy.

The advice in this book might have some helpful relevance to those who are adopted as older childen. However, for those adopted a infants, what you should do is tell them early and often that they are adopted and loved. Let them know that you are always available to talk with them about any feelings or questions they might have. If they have questions, answer them matter of factly. Do not burden them with negative feelings that they probably do not have and will never develop.