A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman

Before I begin this review, let me state that I have experienced most of the life changes that Joan Anderson describes in her book: from getting older to empty-nesting to (in my case) a divorce to wondering who and what I am. So I am not unsympathetic to any woman's struggle with the above.

That having been said, I almost died of boredom reading this book, and it took me weeks (during which I did not write this review) to figure out why. It is certainly sensitively and well written, and there are some lines that are well worth quoting and remembering. And it is obviously a sensitive and true story of one woman's self-discovery. So why, then, did I find it so terribly banal?

I have finally come to the conclusion that, as personal and deeply meaninfgul as these self-discoveries are, they are of interest and meaning only to the women experiencing them. I simply have no patience. I would love to commune with seals in the wild, I love the ocean, I would ADORE a beach house in the middle of nowhere, but I don't want to hear about it. And I wouldn't want to share whatever I was or was not thinking about my own deep self at any moment in time, no matter how momentous.

I know this is going to be an unpopular review, but it contains as much honesty as I can muster. Of course I can relate to many experiences described in the book--I just don't feel the need to do so. Therefore, if this kind of book is what you like and need, this is probably one of the best of the genre. If not, I would skip it.

I read this memoir in one evening, not because it is gripping (it is not) but because it is short. I found myself praying that the shallow insights, endless banal metaphors, and self-absorbed ramblings of a privileged and narcissistic woman would finally lead to some useful insights. Perhaps, I thought, the author will be magically transformed into someone with whom I could actually enjoy spending an hour. I was disappointed.

Joan Anderson writes of her own "journey of self-discovery." She comes off as a whiny wealthy woman who has spent her adult life gazing at her reflection in her husband, her sons, her work, and her friends. At the age of fifty, she does not like what she sees, or perhaps she simply doesn't want to recognize herself any longer. She escapes to her second home on Cape Cod for a year to indulge herself and make herself the center of her world - with no petty distractions such as family, friends, community, or responsibilities. In every person, task, tide, seashell, snowfall, seal, and grain of sand Anderson comes across, she again seeks (and finds) her reflection. She spends this year creating metaphors for herself. (I think I counted five on one page!) and smugly congratulating herself for her now open and conscious self-absorption. By the end of the year, she likes what she sees--so much so that she now offers workshops to help other women discover themselves.

Many women have found this to be a life-changing book. I was not one of them. Perhaps I just could not identify with Anderson, and I guess I'm a little relieved by this.

As the Kirkus review concludes, "A less-than-enthralling journey of self-discovery marred by more than a touch of self-congratulation."

Pass on this one.

Thank you for sharing your journey from another "unfinished woman". The book is an easy read, I finished it in less than a day. The wisdom that comes from reading is priceless. I identify with practically every emotion, guilt, and self talk that is described in the book, you could have been writing about my life! I celebrated in the joy of freedom and self discovery. I envy Joan for having had a year to be able to take this journey. Although I don't have a year to do it, I find that I need to take the same journey a little at a time each day -- I try to get away from everything to just sit and contemplate whether it be 5 minutes or 5 hours. Thank you Joan for sharing your journey!

I guess I expected a work like "A Gift from the Sea" by Lindbergh. So, if one has never read that MAGNIFICENT work, this would certainly be given five stars... but it pales in comparison.

Sometimes I think of young girls barely out of college saying that all they want is to be a wife and mother. Their voices reveal a yearning for comfort, security, and a sense of place that traditional roles offer. Now there is nothing wrong with marriage and motherhood as they are potentially very fulfilling. The only danger is when a woman seeks it because of unconscious fears rather then freely choosing the lifestyle it entails. Marriages can be LEGALLY dissolved, they can even be VOIDED by an act of Annullment by the Vatican, but if children are in the picture, the permanent tie to the other parent and the obligation cannot easily be vanquished. And remember ... legal divorce/Roman Catholic annullment (even if you get both) does not sever the emotional cords between two people. Once marriages are created lives are intertwined and energetically merged. Physical and legal separations don't mean that two people are not still entangled with one another on an emotional and spiritual level even if they are now ex-spouses. Why do you think single parents from a divorce (distinct from a death) have such difficulty in relationships and often go on to divorce several more times. Even without children these former partners still play out a dynamic years after.

I have known many people who married before the age of 25, shortly after college, or early in their work life before a solid inner core self identity had been established. Sure it seemed like a great idea at the time to have another bear witness to their life. Unfortunatley, the changes were unbearable to one another. The soul mate became a cell mate within 5 years or less. The lost dreams turn in nightmares. Intensive resentment at each other for "being in their way". Both partners being seduced by the lifestyles of Sex and the City and The Bachelor. The grass looking so much greener (actually, it is! Green as in British Racing Green kind of Green, like a Jaguar car! Thank you Candace Bushnell), and so on and so on and so on. Children produced to fix a marriage that is only part of a problem-solution viscious cycle that intensifies a problem. Separation, divorce, and two people back on the market joining Parents without Partners and Lavalife. Innocence, the adventurous possibilities of the 20's lost, a walk down the aisle that really was a waltz into a chamber chained to the floor and tethered with one another.

That said, I highly advise women who are single and never married to read this book. Choices have consequences and some choices can have a physical permanent consequence. I have seen young girls barely 25 on the subway pregnant and dressed like a Paris Hilton yummy mummy with a rock on her left hand. And it makes me wonder ... what bill of false goods and false promises has she trapped herself into? Kids bring alot of joy and require a 100% emotional investment.Unless you are 100% willing and KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GETTING INTO ... becoming a mother means that YOU WILL TAKE A BACK SEAT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Once you have a child, that child determines what you do, where you go, how your schedule operates, etc. If you cannot put your children first and foremost above all else ... don't have them. They deserve to be first, a top priority, and you MUST be there for them 100%. Otherwise, you ARE an unfit mother - hands down!

Marriage and Motherhood can be a sanctuary of well-being OR equivalent to a life sentence on Alcatraz in solitary confinement with no hope of parole. Nothing and no one makes you happy except yourself. If you are true to your heart and have a huge dream you want to go after ... do it before plunging into conventional notions of what a woman should do. Nothing kills love than resentmemt and false blame that your life turned out lacklustre because of your partner. The seeds of escape and codependance bear no fruit. Don't be an unfinished woman. Be a complete woman. A full woman makes the best mother.