How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

Thank goodness somebody finally made it clear what real communication between couples is. That it is not always talking, talking, talking until you are worn out. Once you learn from this book how to UNDERSTAND each other, then take it a step further, and show each other how you feel. The Sensuous Couple's (Flip Over) Guide to Seismic Oral Sex will create more communication than you ever thought possible, and you won't be doing any talking. Give both books a try, and bring you and your husband closer than ever.

This is the best insight into male-female patterns I have ever read. Dr. Love hits the nail on the head with common mistakes people make when interacting with each other in their relationships. This is a must read for any age when dealing with the opposite sex. It opened my eyes!!! Now if I could only get my husband to read it!

Unlike Steven Stosny's other book, Love Without Hurt: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One, which seemed to encourage victim mentality thinking, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It is very positive, and contains genuinely new insights that make you think. This book helps both man and woman understand the other better, and makes it possible for ordinary couples to find their way through difficult issues in their marriage in clever, pain-free ways. It explains why talking is such torture for so many husbands, and it also explains how many husbands inadvertently make their wife feel scared, etc. A really fascinating, very human book with a lot of good ideas and information that can help in the real world. See also Michele Weiner-Davis's Getting Through to the Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women.

There may be a few kernels of truth to be had, but the overall effect this book has is negative, in my opinion. The vast majority of the book focuses on what is going wrong with the relationship and little attention is given to what can be done to improve the relationship, despite the title's promise. I found the idea that the shame/fear dynamic is driving all that is negative in male/female relationships to be very simplistic. While there are legitimate differences between men and women, I felt a great deal of negativity toward women in this book. I am a big believer in gender equality. Our society already handicaps men by training them to turn off their emotions. This book just gives men more permission to be out of touch. Then it stereotypes women negatively and makes several comments that imply that it would be an unfortunate thing to be a woman. There are much more worthwhile books available that will genuinely help to improve marriages by consistently reinforcing positive behaviors and thought patterns versus the negative aspects of many relationships. For example, saying that trips and dates can be detrimental to a relationship when the book is touting connection is hypocritical. Instead this could be reframed it in a positive light showing couples how to make the most of trips and dates, while making sure that it is understood that special outings are not necessary for a couple to feel connected. The day to day connections matter far more! I think this was their point, but again, it was framed in the negative. To anyone considering buying this book to improve their marriage, I would recommend that they keep shopping.

"Words hurt. Words destroy. Words can kill a relationship." ~ pg. 66

"how to improve your marriage without talking about it" is not about a lack of communication, it is about more effective communication and an understanding of how fear and shame factor into a healthy relationship. From the minute I read the first page, this book started to make perfect sense. This book has many stories of couples in trouble and in each case the authors show how the problem is not about communication it is about disconnection.

Since men feel worse when discussing problems and women feel better, how can both partners feel satisfied? The authors show ways that women can reduce the triggering of shame in men and they show men how to reduce the triggering of fear in women.

To begin the discussion the authors show how marriage problems are actually a result of conditioning as a child. Boys are taught to suppress emotions while girls are rewarded for being emotional. In their discussions of how children are raised they give some good advice for parenting.

There is a revealing list of ways to shame a man that helps women to realize what they are doing wrong when they do talk to a man. There is also some good advice on dealing with anger and resentment. This book encourages you to take an honest look at your life to see if you can make more time for your relationship.

Instead of talking, have more sex. Could it be that easy? At the end of the book there is a secret formula to create more love in your relationship. Throughout this book there are many insights that will nurture your relationship. I tried quite a few ideas and they all worked in my own relationship.

So if you are tired of talking and you want to find ways to connect that are less verbal then this book may help. In the end, you still have to have good communication skills to make a marriage work, but giving a hug is a lot better than criticizing or making a partner feel fear or shame. According to this book, talking about your problems just makes things worse. Compassion, love and a deeper understanding of your partner's vulnerabilities can make things better.

~The Rebecca Review