How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

Just wanted to thank the author for sharing all the insights, concepts, and examples/situational cases included in the book. I have found a lot of wisdom and restored faith and hope in wanting to have a close relationship. I'm not married, nor in a relationship, but wanted to learn what it takes to have a happy, lasting marriage before I got myself into any significant relationship.

I have found the following things particularly helpful for me:

#. The title itself : there are more than a dozen books advocating that "communication" is most important in maintaining a good relationship, but contrary to this widespread notion, the author argues and proposes that it's "connection" that is most important. I agree with the author on this point because I think that although the broad meaning of communication includes non-verbal elements, mostly, it emphasizes language and verbal communication. Connection, on the other hand, can be demonstrated by small acts - and less likely to be misinterpreted by the other person. I don't know if this would apply to those who grew up with parents throwing things at each other; they may want to believe words are more important. I however come from a set of parents who every time trying to work out their conflicts with words, ended up in the deeper end, instead of fixing their differences. So it's good to know that relationships CAN be improved by something other than words!

#. Shame & Fear : I've read some books on recovery, spirituality, relationships, emotions, toxic parenting, boundary setting, Jewish marriages - and I do believe that two of those emotions that are most difficult to manage are Shame & Fear. Anger and Rage come a close second for me, but the most toxicity-enducing ones that I keep seeing in my own culture (South Korea) around me, and all those melodramatic soap-operas which I refuse to watch tend to be rooted in those two feelings. I think those two emotions are what keeps a lot of people drinking, isolated, and numb. Well, not necessariy the emotions being bad, but not knowing how to cope with these emotions... keeps you disempowered, powerless, and stuck in life.

#. "If you want connection, forget "feelings," think motivation" : the author goes on to suggest ways to get over those emotions, and "There are only three basic motivations, APPROACH / AVOID / ATTACK." I'm still reading this chapter, but there's stuff about amygdala and so on which I need to get through; it will require some quiet reading though...

#. "Contrary to popular belief, the most important of all attachment emotions is not love, it's compassion." This is what the author believes, and goes on to explain why this is so. I heartily agree with this statement, because I believe that often times, Love is a non-word for me. It's become too elusive, an umbrella-term for a lot of goodness, but then again, also often the word that has been used to keep people in denial about their own needs and self-care. It't just too loaded with baggage now. The meaning is no longer clear and specific to solve conflicts. It's become that fuzzy non-word.

I may have more to say, or perhaps disagree with, once I'm done with reading the entire text, but so far, I believe the book has far more goods to improve my understanding of how to have lasting intimacy, than bads. There is a chapter on Sex, and some diagrams on how a person with high sex drive functions, and how a person with low sex drive functions; but I don't know enough about these to comment.

Thank you Dr. Stosny - I'm glad I bought this book, and I'll keep reading it. I love the example you've included about a wedding gift "goblet" that comes with the following message:

"True love always has ups and downs. How you manage this normal ebb and flow will determine the course of your relationship. This gift is designed to help you through the low times. If and when you find yourself at a distance, at an impasse, in a bad place - no matter who is right or wrong, fill the glass, remember the love you share today, offer it to your partner, and your connection will be restored. Love and blessings, Pat."

I deeply value your work. With gratitude.

This product arrived in great condition and in a very timely manner. I'm excited to get started reading.

This book is an easy and entertaining read. The authors offer practical yet well researched and supported feedback. My husband and I have been separated for almost two months (his choice, not mine) and I have been reading like crazy to figure out how to improve myself and what I bring to our relationship and how my own actions have caused some of and supported the ongoing conflict. My husband and I love one another dearly and I am hopeful for reconciliation. We just needed to ease the tension and separation seemed the only way to most effectively do that. We see each other almost everyday due to our children and our communication has improved, our respect for each other has improved, and our awareness (mine at least) of what was wrong in our relationship and what to do to make it better has been enhanced as well. I wish I had read this book six months ago as I think our separation never would have happened but I do believe it is not too late. This book offers an exceptional insight into the emotions and minds of men and how men hear and respond to things, both perceived and real.

BEST THING ABOUT THIS BOOK:
It emphasizes connection with your partner rather than love. So many relationships fail because people feel they do not love one another or are not "in love" but this book offers a lot of understanding about the importance of connection and how men and women view connection differently. Women connect through words and emotions and men connect through actions and activity. The authors teach the readers how doing too much of the wrong things lead to tension and ultimate disconnection. It seems a no brainer after I read it but it has been helpful to learn that when I pressured my husband to "talk" it only pressured him to disengage. He even told me the other day "It's not about the love, it's about the lack of connection." Almost as if he peeked at my book (Maybe he did). I think we all knew that but this book makes it more clear. PLEASE READ LADIES BEFORE YOU TALK YOUR MAN RIGHT OUT THE DOOR! YOU WILL NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO HIM TO SIT IN HIS FISHING BOAT WITHOUT SAYING A WORD UNTIL YOU DO IT! This could cause him to fall in love with you all over again. Wouldn't that be worth it?

I am a therapist by trade and never knew much of what these authors address. I often read books like this, take good care of them, and post for resale but this is a keeper so I am not afraid to highlight or break the binding. It must be good if I want to hang on to it!

My husband and I are working through this book together and it really has been interesting how "dead on" their insight seems to be on how and why men and women are like we are. It is easier to deal with your spouse if you can understand why they react to you the way they do. My only concern with this book is that the 2 authors appear to be "unmarried" from their descriptions on the cover and their dedications. It would be nice to see that they have learned how to create a happy relationship in their own lives for lots of years... then their credibility would go up drastically in my mind.

I loved this book just because I learned so much from it. For awhile I was chasing my husband around asking him questions, trying to talk about things, trying to understand what was going on, how he felt, why, and how to make things better. And every time I did, he'd only get angrier and more upset, and would bottle up even more, leaving me feeling worse and worse. Like an endless downward spiral.

This book answered a lot of questions I had in my mind and makes me feel like I can understand him A LOT more- and not feel the need to try to talk about things. Since I stopped hounding him, things have been MUCH better and as a result, he has been opening up to me more- without me having to bug him until he caves!! I think the biggest thing to take from this book is to understand why we (women) are the way we are and do the things we do- and why men are the way they are and do the things they do. Of course I think not all men and women are created equal but if you took the time to flip through this book, read the reviews and FEEL like it 'speaks to you'- then PICK THIS BOOK UP! You won't regret it. If you're hesitant, I'm sure there's something else out there for you. This book was helpful to MY particular case, and how I felt and what I was living.

And as cheesy as it may sound, this book has even helped me in my workplace too, just by understanding what drives my coworkers, their reactions, and how to work with that. The first half of the book is dedicated to helping you understand what's going on and your deeper desires (both his and hers) and our reactions to our search for those desires. The second half is the "now that you understand, this is what you can do".

Hands down, one of the most helpful books I've read in awhile.