How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

Fantastic! Finally answered the real reasons behind so many marriage problems. Would recommend it as COMPULSORY reading for every male and female on the planet old enough to be in a serious relationship. Brings new hope to all couples adrift and not able to understand what's been going on.
Should be taught in schools. Thanks Drs Pat Love & Steven Stosny.

This book changed the way I view men and marriage! Talk about seeing all my flaws and what I have done wrong my whole married life. It was a humbling experience, but a much needed one for me to grow. EVERYONE should read this book if they want to understand how to create and keep happiness in their relationship.

One of the biggest things I have learned is that loving someone is a choice, not a feeling. Feelings come and go and are unstable due to many daily situations and frustrations.

This book has changed my life!

I've been married 20 years and off and on throughout I've said to my husband too many times to count "you just don't listen to me!". Well, now I know why. I've gone about getting my needs met without considering his. I devoured this book over the weekend and am so ashamed at how horribly I've treated my husband. I've had the best of intentions because I wanted our marriage to be better, but the way I was doing it was making him shut down and not talk to me which would start a whole viscious cycle. I think both men and women should read this book to gather some insight into male/female dynamics. Whether you are happily married and just want to find tips on communicating better or you are on the verge of breaking up you NEED to read this book. I think it may be a great book to give new couples to alleviate so many problems in their future. If only someone had given me this at my bridal shower. It would have saved numerous tears and sleepless nights.

As a relationship counselor I am always attempting to keep current on latest insights in my field. Since I was already a big fan of Pat Love and Steven Stosny I was curious to see this book. I knew it had to have good information and it went way beyond my expectations.

In short, this book is revolutionary! And, it runs counter to what most relationship books will teach you. The main message? The secret to improving your relationships is NOT about learning to communicate better or to share your feelings (something the authors say men dread to do. They would rather put their hand on a red hot stove, so asking them to share their feelings with you as a woman is one of the worst things for a relationship you can do).

What is the secret if communication is not the answer (though it can help). Simple. CONNECTION! When people feel connected to each other, communication is not as significant. When they don't even good communication skills (like "I" messages etc) won't help. For example, the authors share a classic scenario where a man comes home late from work tired and misses dinner. The woman feels upset and hurt that he is home late once again. Because they feel disconnected both get defensive. He defends having to work so much. She defends what she does to support him and how she doesn't feel appreciated. Things go down hill from there. What do both couples really want here? They want to feel connected. They want to know that the other person still cares about them. How does connection happen? This book gives a number of practical techniques, but they all begin with compassion! Only as you "step into the puddle" as the authors describe it, and are willing to feel compassion, caringm, and concern for your partner, will connection happen. I couldn't agree more.

Why do so few people do this? Because as the authors share, too many people worry that the puddle (the shame, fear, worry, etc) of their partner will be a lot deeper than it is. By learning to risk and see that it is almost always a puddle, not an ocean of emotion), will you develop the skill of stepping into the puddle of your partner's temporary mood with compassion and skill so you can assist both of you in stepping out of that puddle together.

Also illuminating is a deeper understanding of why men and women get defensive in the first place. The authors share that men have a strong need to provide and protect. When they don't, they feel like failures. If they don't know how to deal with this feeling in a compassionate way, they feel ashamed. Rather than feel shame, they start to defend, close down, and blame their partner for their bad mood or current life situation. Though it helps if a man comes to grips with his shame and learns to work with it on his own, it also helps if the woman he is with follows the techniques in this book, so she can learn not to trigger a man's feeling of shame. The advantage? He will be less likely to become defensive, close down, withdraw, and move into the blame or control game. (Control by the way is often triggered when men have a strong desire to protect their partner, but a high level of fear that they will be unable to, the authors suggest).

What happens when a man does not know how to work effectively with his feelings of shame? He triggers in the woman her feeling of fear. Both shame in a man and fear in a woman have biological roots that the authors detail well. For example, they reveal how women, even as small infants, are biologically programmed to feel and experience way higher levels of fear and anxiety then men do. If only men understood this, it would help them develop more compassion for how at a hormonal and biological level women suffer when they live in fear. What are women most afraid of? Feeling disconnected and all alone. After all, women are programmed biologically to seek connection and be in groups. This has helped them survive over the years (unlike men who were biologically programmed to cope with fear better so they could go off alone on a hunt). How can a woman feel alone? She can feel alone in her dreams. Alone in getting the kind of support (even help around the house) she needs. Alone at home. Alone on the outside of her partner's life (if he is always at work and doing other activities). Being alone helps a man sort out his life. It restores him. But, for many women, if they feel alone in a relationship, everything goes downhill. If men could recognize and appreciate this more, they would be much more careful not to use control, anger, intimidation, withdrawal, and blame in their relationships with women. They would also develop more empathy for women. And, they would find ways (like the very simple methods in this book) that would help them love and cherish their wives (and this is really important) without feeling like they have to turn into a woman to do this.

This is important because the authors relate how men dread having to do things to improve a relationship that make them feel like they are turning into a girl! The good news is, they don't have too. And, as men and women learn to understand each other, and become more compassionate with each other (without having to talk about it), their relationships dramatically improve.

In conclusion, I have respected these two authors for a long time. This is not "off the top of their heads" theorectical advice. The revolutionary insights in this book come from their decades of experience helping thousands of couples discover what actually WORKS to make relationships better. I know how moving beyond communication into connection and compassion have helped my life. And I am certain this book will help your life too! - Dr. Lisa Love, Beyond the Secret

I felt like I was reading my marriage with all the examples of how we have done it wrong. It was like the pages of my life were in this book. I could understand it all and learned that better communication isn't the key its connection which GIRLS YES IT CAN BE DONE WITHOUT TALKING! My only complaint was I wanted a little bit better examples of the HOW's but I think its just a matter that I have to read it again and digest it and go SLOW to making some small changes. The first section of the book explains exactly how we are as men and women. The second part the how to. BUT BEWARE YOU have to do the work. Whether you are reading this as the husband or as the wife. It's NOT a Change your spouse book. Its a CHANGE YOU BOOK!!!